The fact of the matter is that what I am saying has no more validity than what you are saying. To be perfectly honest I begin all emphatic assertions with a phrase that implies that what I declare is not only valid, but irrefutable. In the final analysis I am just talking out of my ass, but I wish to give my subjective talking points a weight that they do not possess on their own. What you have to understand is that I will also point a lot, so as to attempt to dominate the conversation on a physical level, despite the fact that I am in reality merely a short person in an expensive suit.

Make no mistake about it, I have no intention of backing up my opinions with any objective findings but instead will raise my voice to an even more annoying pitch and volume, and hope that I tire you out.

For all intents and purposes my smug, self-satisfied pontification is of no more consequence than the vapid bleatings of a simple-minded gaseous bovine, except that I receive a paycheck in return for spouting repetitive talking points in an endless loop of partisan, steadfast stubbornness. Clearly, insistent oratory based upon preconceived notions pays—and pays well—although the equally blustery assertions of mercenary blowhards from the opposing side probably means that we all cancel each other out.

It is imperative that my position in this controversy is unwavering, lest I consider opinions other than my own, and therefore potentially experience a shift of some sort in my outlook, which would spell most certain doom for my complete and total confidence in the validity of my dogmatic assertions.

In the spirit of full disclosure may I say that I am not a fanatic, for a fanatic exudes tiny balls of spit, and occasionally froths at the corners of the mouth. I, conversely, always carefully control my saliva levels.

In precise terms, my tactic of not registering what anyone else is saying is essential and unavoidable, as I am at all times busy consulting the talking points that incessantly run through my mind like a pompous tickertape of self-perpetuating, mutually reinforcing thought.

The bottom line is that I hardly realize when my insistent antagonism and shameless shilling borders on the delusionary, and often find myself wondering what I have become and whether this life of self-perpetuating bullshit has wrung the last drop of human empathy from my soul, but then the thought of another balloon payment due on my pretentious McMansion quickly sets me back on track, and I realize that emotion has caused me to mix metaphors and compose run-on sentences, and I recapture my lust for initiating unambiguous, unequivocal, uncompromising attack-dog rhetoric, a task for which I am most well-suited, for that is truly where the rubber meets the road (unofficially a point about fifty miles northeast of Akron, Ohio).

In a very real sense my pompous pumped up punditry could use a little less alliteration.

It is interesting to note that some of these rhetorical tricks are less egregious than others, i.e. prefacing a statement with needless verbiage is not in itself an intentional attack on such concepts (alien to me) as open-mindedness, skepticism and sincerity. Irregardless (and if you tell me that “irregardless” is not a word I shall joyously accuse you of being an elitist), spouting platitudes is my way of avoiding a real job, like packing groceries or digging ditches.

It goes without saying that I will use very long words in an attempt to appear of superior intelligence. Furthermore, I am going to repeat myself incessantly. And furthermore, I am going to repeat myself incessantly.

It boils down to this: Honestly, I am not honest. To tell you the truth, I am not telling the truth.

At the end of the day all this spewing of empty rhetoric has become such an integral part of the public discourse that people have ceased to notice how its baroque irrelevance obfuscates any underlying scraps of actual information, makes reasonable debate impossible and inevitably results in verbal ping pong with no possible outcome other than tiresome bickering of a long-winded nature, especially when strung together in an endless blathering tirade of unsupported argument, as follows:

The fact of the matter is that to be perfectly honest in the final analysis what you have to understand, make no mistake about it, for all intents and purposes clearly it is imperative that in the interest of full disclosure in precise terms, the bottom line is that in a very real sense it is interesting to note that, irregardless, it goes without saying that furthermore it boils down to this: honestly, to tell you the truth, at the end of the day I am right and you are wrong. Nah nah nah nah.

On the other hand…