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by Anne on October 14th, 2010

Northwest Outer Central Adjunct Core Adjacent

Business Improvement District Newsletter


Thank you to all our members who have held tight throughout this economic downturn, valiantly refusing to lower commercial rents despite a seemingly intractable empty storefront glut. Good times are coming! We are proud to announce the opening of the following businesses along the NWOCACA UPCORE (Northwest Outer Central Adjunct Core Adjacent Upscale Corridor):

GENTRIFRIED: “Big Taste. Small Portions.” Mac N Cheese N Truffle Croquettes named “Best Snack” on We use 100% pure horse chestnut oil!

NAMASTAY: Canine Yoga Studio. Pranayama For Purebreeds. Homeopathic Housebreaking. “Master and Me” Downward Dog series.

GLASS + LAPIDUS (– BIRNBAUM) ARCHITECT GROUP: Wide variety of undulating walls. Ask about our “Teak and T1” packages. Wish fulfillment renderings our specialty.

THE RUB OUT: Retro Speakeasy Social Club. Sip artisanal cocktails in a former Mafia hangout. Cool, huh? Try the “Crazy Joe Gallo” Gimlet—garnished with a miniature clam!

BURNISH: Organic, free-range, locally-sourced, hormone-free, mid-century modern furniture.

THE SKEIN EVENT: Woman-only Knitting and Kickboxing Center. Green Tea Bar. This Month’s Special: 10 percent off Empowerment Services.

THERMINI: Theramin lessons for kids. Coming Soon: Ukes for Tykes.

On alternate Sundays, the Van Licken Gourmet Popsicle Truck will be parked next to the Melanie Klein Playground (the one with the vaguely obscene-looking equipment.) Our sticks are made from reclaimed barn beams.

NOTE: The above ventures were recipients of BISNEZ (Business Incubator Small Niche Enterprise Zone) grants, which do not represent any reduction in rent, or any weakening of our resolve regarding per-square-foot averages, but rather are an innovation rebate instigator, which is hardly the same thing.

NEWS (New Experience Word Sequences)

DUES ARE DUE! Don’t forget that this quarter there is a bench beautification assessment of $32.50. Tony’s Shoe Repair has been officially declared blighted. Although this designation has no standing in a court of law, we are hoping that he will be shamed into becoming less dusty and moving that rack of used loafers inside.

Nanny League Season begins this month with the Child Wrangling Preliminaries: TIBET V TRINIDAD at the Melanie Klein Playground (the one with the vaguely obscene-looking equipment).

GLASS + LAPIDUS (– BIRNBAUM) ARCHITECT GROUP would like to announce that the “vaguely obscene-looking equipment” at the Melanie Klein Playground is inspired by regional flora and if you’re seeing something else it says more about you than it does them.

CORRECTION: In our Winter issue, in the article about the Le Quoi canal-bank development, the phase “Condo Loft” should have read “Loft Condo”.


Ron Bourbon, Jr.

Proprietor, Sea Salt Depot

It is with great pride and more than smidge of regret that I announce my plan to step down as President of Northwest Outer Central Adjunct Core Adjacent Business Improvement District to pursue personal opportunities and interests. After much mental and emotional wrangling I have accepted an offer to become Honorary Professor of Eminent Domain Studies at CICADA: The Community Institute College Academy of Development Arts (non- accredited). You will be left in the fine smooth hands of your new Incoming Acting Appointed President, my dear friend, Hope Cornichon of Hope’s Chest Lingerie Shoppe. I look forward to seeing you on visits back to my hometown, should they ever occur, despite my best attempts to avoid them.

From → Humor

  1. Personal favorite: Namastay.

  2. Rosanne permalink

    Just read this piece — pitch perfect!

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